Human beings are, by nature, social. In us lives such a great need for love that, when a bright, beating heart comes your way, shining just as you like best, singing a love song just as your heart desires, you’ll give to, protect, and love them — even when a ghoulish demon reveals itself, underneath.
Previously in this column, we addressed “pig-butchering scams,” a type of relationship scam reliant upon building trust through any type of feigned, cultivated connection. These scams typically originate through unsolicited text messages or DMs on social media platforms like LinkedIn or Facebook.
Romance scams, according to attorney Courtney Werning, frequently begin on dating apps “because that person is already predisposed to romantic relationships,” but the goal is the same: exploit the relationship in order to take as much money as possible.
S/he Loves Me Not…
Romance scammers quickly move from the original platform to a third-party messaging platform, insisting on secrecy, then spend weeks or months of methodical “love-bombing”—hyper-fixated attention to create a dopamine-driven emotional high—while learning about the target’s financial state. The scammer will then employ any number of ruses to extort money from the target, including the “insider tip” investment hook; asking for a series of escalating “loans”; or “ghosting” the target, then returning with a fabricated medical, legal, or family crisis to create a sense of relief and bonding.
Research on romance-fraud victims shows that scammers resort to other methods once a target’s own money runs out: some push homeowners toward loans against their property, framed as continuing the relationship (NBC News).
Even more agonizing for victims is “sextortion,” wherein scammers use intimate photos or recordings acquired earlier to extort more funds (Amirkhani et al., CHI 2024).
What’s Love Got to Do With It?
Because scammers deliberately manipulate the evolutionary, chemical, and psychological mechanics of romantic love, it can be nearly impossible to break a victim free from a romance scam—even when a humiliated victim admits they’ve been scammed. More than any other type of scam, romance scams cultivate an intense bond between the perpetrator and the victim through intense validation and trauma bonding through manufactured crises. Victims rationalize massive logical leaps to protect their ego and heart; and they report feelings of deep shame and humiliation, having exposed deeply personal parts of themselves.
As a result, victims will often return to the predator, giving more and more, despite attempts by family and friends to protect the victim. And, according to research, “often, the victims of [romantic] scams suffer from symptoms similar to a post-traumatic stress disorder, and some even consider suicide.”
If this sounds like you, stop sending money and contact your bank today. If it sounds like someone you love, resist the urge to confront them alone. Contact their local police and AARP’s Fraud Watch Network™, available for all age groups.
Next month: How to approach a loved one whom you suspect is the victim of a scam.
If you or a loved one is experiencing thoughts of suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7.
For more information and resources about scams, visit Operation Shamrock’s website at https://www.operationshamrock.org/ or AARP’s Fraud Watch Network™ at https://www.aarp.org/money/scams-fraud/
Meredith McGuire McConn is a writer and poet dedicated to the exploration of lived experience. Through her venture, The Experiential Writing Studio, she helps others translate their internal perceptions into narrative, fostering a more meaningful connection to the world around them. She brings this same commitment to truth and clarity to her advocacy for survivors of digital fraud, mobilizing Brevard County to survive and outsmart modern criminal networks.
